New Math

MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Top Ten Jihadi hits

Hi I'm Casey Al-Kasem. Here's this week's Top Ten Jihadi hits:

10. "Yes, we have no vials of Anthrax" by Tariq Aziz
09. "I am to be throwing my AK in the Air, and waving it as I just do not care" by Crazed Palestinian Gunman
08. "Let's go blow up the Bat Mitzvha" by Polly Stinian
07. "Honor Killing" by Stone Ya Once
06. "See ya at the Kabba" by the Pilgrims
05. "My dad met Nasser once" by Yashur Hedid
04. "Marhaba, Ana ismi..." by Slim Al-Shady
03. "Death to America ('03 remix)" by M.C. Ayatollah Hoe-meni
02. "No Blood For Oil" by The American Liberal and his gang of Useful Idiots.

And the number one hit for the tenth week in a row:
01. "Lilililililili" by the Ululatin' Jaddahs

This kid will go far!!

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's restaurant in Florida, and they hired him because he was honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the firstplace.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's what I'm applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearninghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

7 inches

A Newfoundlander enters his favorite ritzy restaurant in Toronto and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the Newfoundlander sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL are in my garage; plus I have over 10 million dollars in the bank. But -- not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back."